18 Funny Marriage Quotes Sure to Crack You Up

18 Funny Marriage Quotes Sure to Crack You Up

A fun collection of witty words about marriage to add a chuckle to your day.


By: Heather Chaet

Every marriage has good days and some not-so-good days. There are times when life is so wonderful with your spouse, it’s as if unicorns are scampering through the living room, spraying rainbows from their magical horns. Then, there are all of those other moments when you stand there, staring at this person, wondering why you ever said, “I do,” quietly noting to yourself that he smells like pickles and looks eerily similar to the blob fish from the ugly animal TV show your daughter was watching last night.

That’s the essence of marriage: the commitment to stick with it no matter the type of day. Sharing a little chuckle together is one of the key ways to keep that essential relationship foundation strong. What could be better than some witty words about the union itself? We gathered these quotes on marriage from some of the funniest minds around!

1. “If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” -- Johnny Carson, talk show host

2. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -- Rita Rudner, comedian

3. “Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” -- Chris Rock, comedian

4. “Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” -- Barbra Streisand, actress and singer

5. “The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.” -- Alfred Hitchcock, film director

6. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” -- Groucho Marx, comedian

7. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” -- Anonymous

8. “Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” -- Billy Connolly, comedian

9. "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -- Henry Youngman, comedian

More from P&G everyday: 10 Wives Share the Silliest Arguments They’ve Ever Had With Their Spouses

10. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” -- Agatha Christie, author

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11. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -- Erma Bombeck, columnist and author

12. “A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” -- Anonymous

13. “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring, or eating with chopsticks: It looks easy until you try it.” -- Helen Rowland, journalist and humorist

14. “Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” -- Bill Cosby, comedian

15. “Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.” -- Anonymous

16. “Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones." -- Joan Rivers, comedian

17. “I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.” -- Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

18. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” -- Rita Rudner, comedian

What’s your favorite quote about marriage?



Heather Chaet documents her mini parenting successes, epic mommy fails, and everything in between for a plethora (love that word!) of publications and websites such as CafeMom, New York Family, and AdWeek. While her online persona is found at heatherchaet.com, Heather lives in New York City with her film director husband and one insanely curious, cat-obsessed daughter.

Image ©iStock.com/GlobalStock



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