I Spied on My Husband -- & It Helped Our Marriage

I Spied on My Husband -- & It Helped Our Marriage

Spying on your spouse is a gamble, but sometimes it just might pay off!

By Wendy Robinson

I’m standing in the kitchen with my husband’s cell phone in my hand. I feel a brief flicker of the impulse to do what I’ve done so many times before: to slide it open and to do a quick scan of all his incoming and outgoing text messages.

But I don’t. I put the phone down on the counter and walk away. I’m a snoop in recovery, and I’ve got almost a month of snoop-free days built up. I’m staying clean.

While my husband would tell you that I’ve always been a bit on the nosy side, my sneaky, snooping side didn’t really emerge until after the birth of our second child. In those tired days, as we tried to adjust to life with a baby and 4-year-old while my husband made the transition to being a stay-at-home dad, our patience for each other was a little thin and my insecurity level was high. One day, while he was out running errands, he called to ask me to look something up in his email. I gave him the information and then tucked the knowledge of his password away.

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A few days later, up late at night nursing, I decided to check his email. What I found was the account of a man who never deletes anything, including transcripts of online chats he was having with several other women.

Intrigued, I was up for the next two hours reading them all.

The next day, realizing that my husband is a creature of habit, I decided to see if the password unlocked any of his other accounts and, not surprisingly, it did. I now had access to all of his social media and email accounts.

Soon, I was checking all of his accounts, every day. I became almost addicted to getting to see what he was thinking about, who he was talking to, and how he talked about me. The truth was that, aside from the occasional grumble about my snoring or inability to put my laundry away in a timely fashion, my husband didn’t really talk about me or our marriage too much. The women he was talking to were mostly friends of his from grad school.


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Happily, I wasn’t really uncovering any secrets here, expect for the fact the he sometimes wished we talked more. After a few weeks, the high of spying began to be replaced by a creeping sense of guilt. I was invading my husband’s privacy, and I was spending more time reading his emails than I was trying to actively work on our relationship. It was clear I needed to spy less and talk more.

Ultimately, I did come clean with my husband (that was one of the less fun conversations in my married life, I have to say) and told him to change his passwords. And then, we had a long talk about the state of our relationship and why I was feeling insecure and how we could start to try to carve out some more “us” time in the frenzy of family life with two little ones.

Though I don’t recommend this as a strategy, it turns out, snooping may have actually made our marriage stronger.

Have you ever been tempted to snoop on your partner?

Wendy Robinson is a writer, working mom, and graduate student. Someday she'd like to sleep in again. She also blogs at www.athleticmonkey.com.

Image ©iStock.com/GetUpStudio

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